You are on an adventure. Maybe you
tell yourself that you didn't want it to happen; anyway, now you are in a messy
situation without a clear path forward. While you don't want to hurt your
spouse, you can't imagine ending this new relationship that feels so good. And
now that?
The best next step is to see your
situation from a less emotional perspective. Brain research tells us that the
more intensely people experience their emotions, the less active the logical
parts of their brains become. This usually leads people to find evidence to
support their emotionally driven thinking and react as if it were necessary in
the outside world. By realizing this, you can choose to calm down and
concentrate on more objective thinking.
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In your marriage situation,
emotionally driven thinking probably magnifies your spouse's deficiencies and,
in turn, intensifies the passion in your adventure. You could argue with yourself
about how you shouldn't feel like you do and even tell yourself that you should
stop the matter. But burning passion tends not to hear the reason, leaving you
to continue the matter, despite struggling with guilt.
One way people try to cope is to
pretend that the matter is not so serious, that their feelings are not so
strong. They could even try to break things and move on. So, what usually
happens is that your feelings move out of your consciousness, where they
continue to have influence. These people are surprised to find themselves again
in the arms of their lovers. They might think I was fine avoiding her, but then
she needed my help, and well ... It may seem fate. Instead, if you admit your
feelings and clearly look at the problem, you can address it more effectively.
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Direct with your head instead of with
your heart. And think about your values. After all, when the passion of your
adventure has diminished, you will still need to live with the results of your
actions. Then, consider them carefully.
For example, think about your
marriage vows and their importance to you. Also consider how the matter affects
your thoughts and feelings about yourself, and how you can (and affect) your
spouse, children, lover and anyone else who may be affected by it.
These thoughts may motivate you to
want to improve your marriage. Keep in mind that to revive your marriage, you
must surrender wholeheartedly. Therefore, although you may be tempted to keep
the matter until you know your marriage is salvageable, trying to maintain both
relationships will probably not end well.
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On the other hand, after thinking
clearly about the situation, you can conclude that your marriage is effectively
dead and that this new relationship is an opportunity for a new life. If that
is the case, you should still think carefully about how to proceed. Your
marriage is not currently over and you still need attention while it ends. The
better you do to address this, the more chances you will have to start over.
Of course, the choice is yours. But
if you think about your situation clearly, you can at least direct the course
of your marriage and your life.
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