Even when you really love each other, disagreements
can create a gap between you and your partner. You go from being supportive
partners to tense rivals. As each one focuses on winning the argument, he
cannot see that he is losing his partner in the process.
Many people get caught in a false dilemma when they
disagree. They think they should win or let their partner win. And if they let
their partner win, they think they are giving up a part of themselves. But the
truth is that you don't have to choose which one of you will win, but you can
choose your relationship.
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For your relationship to be the winner, you need to
find a way to continue feeling emotionally close, even when your thoughts and
feelings disagree. Of course, the more important the topic is and the more you
disagree, the harder it will be to do this.
You and your partner can keep your relationship strong
through conflicts by agreeing to work together. Four steps to do this are:
Take the conversation slowly. Couples often have
particular arguments that tend to be repeated. The "script" can
become a well-oiled machine that takes them quickly and without problems to the
same deadlock.
When the speed of the conversation decreases, you are
more likely to see when the conversation is taking a problematic turn, such as
through a misunderstanding, and immediately resume the course.
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Ask your partner to share your perspective, including
your vision of the situation and your feelings. While listening, your job is to
fully understand your thoughts and feelings. You do not need to agree with them,
but rather have such a good idea of how the situation looks and feels for
them (even if they disagree with the "facts" as they see them). When
they finish talking, reflect what you are listening to make sure you
understand. Ask them to correct anything that was wrong. Repeat this from side
to side as many times as necessary so that you feel that you really understand
what you are thinking and how you feel. Focusing on your empathic
understanding, share how your experience affects you. If it has been
successfully maintained in an open and empathic mental frame, it is hoped that
it can express empathy and compassion. (While empathy refers to sharing
someone's feelings, compassion implies empathizing with their pain or anguish
and wanting it to diminish.) You can say something like: "It hurts to see
you so sad and knows that I have hurt you." I wish I could take your pain
away.
Many people are tempted to jump over this step or go
through it quickly to discuss a point. Do not do it. Remember that the basis of
your relationship is the connection and care you have between you. By taking
the time to recognize your experience, you are honoring this link.
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Now repeat the process with you offering your
perspective, focusing on your thoughts about the situation and how it makes you
feel. Encourage your partner to share what he heard and correct any
misunderstanding. Once you fully understand the situation, it is your turn to
express your empathy and compassion.
At this point, you may still need to talk about your
differences of opinion, but you will feel emotionally connected while doing so.
Even if you still want your partner to change his mind and agree with your
perspective, you are more likely to accept the differences without creating so
much distance between you. In fact, as long as you and your partner respect
each other and remain emotionally synchronized, you can disagree and feel
emotionally united and strong as a couple.
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