As much as you want to connect more
with other people, the idea of engaging in a conversation with a stranger can
be daunting; enough that you prefer to remain safe in the confines of your
shell. But there are ways you can learn to at least peek.
Start by recognizing your fears and
then choose to face them. Many people find it helpful to ask: What is the worst
that can happen? For example, if you fear that someone will reject you, would
it really be so overwhelming? Or do you think you could continue with your life
and basically be well? It is also important to consider how not to achieve it
would let you continue alone in your isolated world.
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Ultimately, the question you should
consider is whether the benefits you could get by risking the connection with
others are worth it. If you decide that you want to take the risk, here are
some suggestions that may be helpful:
Offer yourself compassion: it is easy
to succumb to your inner critic as he punishes you for your struggles. But the
truth is that you are far from being alone. It is human to fear rejection or
shame. Just as you would empathize and support a friend who was eager to
participate socially, offer yourself this same compassion.
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Bring your curiosity: once you commit
to trying to be more social, you can facilitate the process by refocusing your
fears on the ways in which you can open the conversation. Some tips for this
are:
Be aware of those around you, and
observe those who may be open to conversation or at least a quick exchange. For
example, if you make brief eye contact with someone and smile, you may feel
they are open to the conversation if they smile back. (Many years ago, I was in
a bookstore listening to a poetry reading when I did this: the man I smiled at
now is my husband!)
You can extend a conversation, if the
other person wants to talk, by asking open-ended questions. These questions ask
for an answer that needs some elaboration, instead of a simple yes or no.
If you notice that a person is
struggling with something (maybe opening a door when their hands are full), ask
if you can help, or just jump and lend a hand. This can be a quick interaction
that feels good, or it can open an opportunity for deeper discussion.
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Be appreciative: when you practice
noticing and appreciating the positive, it can help you feel more relaxed and
often helps others feel good. For example, you could congratulate someone
directly or share your appreciation for something you have observed. For
example, if you were in a poetry reading (as I was so many years ago), a good
conversation starter could be: "I am impressed by your confidence in
reading poetry in public."
You may find it helpful to use these
suggestions when you go to a party or any place specifically to meet others.
However, simply staying open to connecting with others in your daily life can
offer many opportunities to enjoy brief connections with strangers, and perhaps
even to generate new relationships.
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