When You and Your Partner Not Agree

Even when you really love each other, disagreements can create a gap between you and your partner. You go from being supportive partners to tense rivals. As each one focuses on winning the argument, he cannot see that he is losing his partner in the process.

Many people get caught in a false dilemma when they disagree. They think they should win or let their partner win. And if they let their partner win, they think they are giving up a part of themselves. But the truth is that you don't have to choose which one of you will win, but you can choose your relationship.

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For your relationship to be the winner, you need to find a way to continue feeling emotionally close, even when your thoughts and feelings disagree. Of course, the more important the topic is and the more you disagree, the harder it will be to do this.

You and your partner can keep your relationship strong through conflicts by agreeing to work together. Four steps to do this are:

Take the conversation slowly. Couples often have particular arguments that tend to be repeated. The "script" can become a well-oiled machine that takes them quickly and without problems to the same deadlock.

When the speed of the conversation decreases, you are more likely to see when the conversation is taking a problematic turn, such as through a misunderstanding, and immediately resume the course.

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Ask your partner to share your perspective, including your vision of the situation and your feelings. While listening, your job is to fully understand your thoughts and feelings. You do not need to agree with them, but rather have such a good idea of ​​how the situation looks and feels for them (even if they disagree with the "facts" as they see them). When they finish talking, reflect what you are listening to make sure you understand. Ask them to correct anything that was wrong. Repeat this from side to side as many times as necessary so that you feel that you really understand what you are thinking and how you feel. Focusing on your empathic understanding, share how your experience affects you. If it has been successfully maintained in an open and empathic mental frame, it is hoped that it can express empathy and compassion. (While empathy refers to sharing someone's feelings, compassion implies empathizing with their pain or anguish and wanting it to diminish.) You can say something like: "It hurts to see you so sad and knows that I have hurt you." I wish I could take your pain away.

Many people are tempted to jump over this step or go through it quickly to discuss a point. Do not do it. Remember that the basis of your relationship is the connection and care you have between you. By taking the time to recognize your experience, you are honoring this link.

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Now repeat the process with you offering your perspective, focusing on your thoughts about the situation and how it makes you feel. Encourage your partner to share what he heard and correct any misunderstanding. Once you fully understand the situation, it is your turn to express your empathy and compassion.

At this point, you may still need to talk about your differences of opinion, but you will feel emotionally connected while doing so. Even if you still want your partner to change his mind and agree with your perspective, you are more likely to accept the differences without creating so much distance between you. In fact, as long as you and your partner respect each other and remain emotionally synchronized, you can disagree and feel emotionally united and strong as a couple.

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Spending Time with Animals Could Help For Down Stress

If you've ever caressed a soft animal like a dog, a cat or a bunny when you're upset, you probably know firsthand how relaxing animals can be.

People earn a lot by hugging their pets, but "animal-assisted intervention," or pet therapy, can be much more than that. Many people receive help through equine therapy, which involves caring for horses. People are also helped by taking care of crickets, playing with dolphins and looking at fish. Even just watching animal videos can help you feel better.

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How does all this help? On a physical level, spending time with animals can increase our immune functioning, decrease heart rate and blood pressure, and decrease pain. On an emotional level, interactions with animals can help reduce loneliness, increase happiness, calm anxiety, relieve social discomfort and reduce the emotional pain. In fact, researchers at Washington State University recently discovered that petting a dog or cat for 10 minutes can significantly reduce cortisol (the main stress hormone in your body).

Although no one knows for sure what makes interactions with animals so useful, there are several theories. It states that people are naturally attracted to other living creatures, so observing them is relaxing. Learning theory suggests that animals distract people from things that annoy them, allowing them to feel calmer. By repeating this over time, they become less anxious.

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Another theory suggests that animals facilitate social engagement and satisfy some social needs. When you are close to some animals, you are more likely to smile, talk and have a good time with others. This reaction is similar to how people often respond to babies or young children.

If you are interested in getting a pet, there are a range of options. Whether you choose the cat, the dog or the traditional hamster, or the less conventional snake, ferret or turtle, keep in mind that just as people differ in their temperaments and needs, animals do too. Therefore, it is important that you find a pet that suits you and your lifestyle.

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To enjoy animals without taking full responsibility for owning one, you might consider volunteering at an animal shelter, encouraging an animal or participating in the training of service animals, such as guide dogs for the blind. These are great ways to test if you are interested in having a pet or are wonderful long-term options to include animals in your life.

By considering the best way to address your struggles, you can benefit greatly from finding ways to include animals in your life.

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How to Improve Sexual Health Relationships

As much as you want to connect more with other people, the idea of ​​engaging in a conversation with a stranger can be daunting; enough that you prefer to remain safe in the confines of your shell. But there are ways you can learn to at least peek.

Start by recognizing your fears and then choose to face them. Many people find it helpful to ask: What is the worst that can happen? For example, if you fear that someone will reject you, would it really be so overwhelming? Or do you think you could continue with your life and basically be well? It is also important to consider how not to achieve it would let you continue alone in your isolated world.

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Ultimately, the question you should consider is whether the benefits you could get by risking the connection with others are worth it. If you decide that you want to take the risk, here are some suggestions that may be helpful:

Offer yourself compassion: it is easy to succumb to your inner critic as he punishes you for your struggles. But the truth is that you are far from being alone. It is human to fear rejection or shame. Just as you would empathize and support a friend who was eager to participate socially, offer yourself this same compassion.

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Bring your curiosity: once you commit to trying to be more social, you can facilitate the process by refocusing your fears on the ways in which you can open the conversation. Some tips for this are:

Be aware of those around you, and observe those who may be open to conversation or at least a quick exchange. For example, if you make brief eye contact with someone and smile, you may feel they are open to the conversation if they smile back. (Many years ago, I was in a bookstore listening to a poetry reading when I did this: the man I smiled at now is my husband!)

You can extend a conversation, if the other person wants to talk, by asking open-ended questions. These questions ask for an answer that needs some elaboration, instead of a simple yes or no.

If you notice that a person is struggling with something (maybe opening a door when their hands are full), ask if you can help, or just jump and lend a hand. This can be a quick interaction that feels good, or it can open an opportunity for deeper discussion.

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Be appreciative: when you practice noticing and appreciating the positive, it can help you feel more relaxed and often helps others feel good. For example, you could congratulate someone directly or share your appreciation for something you have observed. For example, if you were in a poetry reading (as I was so many years ago), a good conversation starter could be: "I am impressed by your confidence in reading poetry in public."

You may find it helpful to use these suggestions when you go to a party or any place specifically to meet others. However, simply staying open to connecting with others in your daily life can offer many opportunities to enjoy brief connections with strangers, and perhaps even to generate new relationships.

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When You Are On an Adventure

You are on an adventure. Maybe you tell yourself that you didn't want it to happen; anyway, now you are in a messy situation without a clear path forward. While you don't want to hurt your spouse, you can't imagine ending this new relationship that feels so good. And now that?

The best next step is to see your situation from a less emotional perspective. Brain research tells us that the more intensely people experience their emotions, the less active the logical parts of their brains become. This usually leads people to find evidence to support their emotionally driven thinking and react as if it were necessary in the outside world. By realizing this, you can choose to calm down and concentrate on more objective thinking.

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In your marriage situation, emotionally driven thinking probably magnifies your spouse's deficiencies and, in turn, intensifies the passion in your adventure. You could argue with yourself about how you shouldn't feel like you do and even tell yourself that you should stop the matter. But burning passion tends not to hear the reason, leaving you to continue the matter, despite struggling with guilt.

One way people try to cope is to pretend that the matter is not so serious, that their feelings are not so strong. They could even try to break things and move on. So, what usually happens is that your feelings move out of your consciousness, where they continue to have influence. These people are surprised to find themselves again in the arms of their lovers. They might think I was fine avoiding her, but then she needed my help, and well ... It may seem fate. Instead, if you admit your feelings and clearly look at the problem, you can address it more effectively.

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Direct with your head instead of with your heart. And think about your values. After all, when the passion of your adventure has diminished, you will still need to live with the results of your actions. Then, consider them carefully.

For example, think about your marriage vows and their importance to you. Also consider how the matter affects your thoughts and feelings about yourself, and how you can (and affect) your spouse, children, lover and anyone else who may be affected by it.

These thoughts may motivate you to want to improve your marriage. Keep in mind that to revive your marriage, you must surrender wholeheartedly. Therefore, although you may be tempted to keep the matter until you know your marriage is salvageable, trying to maintain both relationships will probably not end well.

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On the other hand, after thinking clearly about the situation, you can conclude that your marriage is effectively dead and that this new relationship is an opportunity for a new life. If that is the case, you should still think carefully about how to proceed. Your marriage is not currently over and you still need attention while it ends. The better you do to address this, the more chances you will have to start over. 

Of course, the choice is yours. But if you think about your situation clearly, you can at least direct the course of your marriage and your life.

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